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Drink Malort...Because it Smells Like Drakar Noir

Drink Malort...Because it Smells Like Drakar Noir

Brian: For sure, you made it happen. You promised something and  you made it happen.

Rich: I don't even know what the hell a Malort is.

Brian: It just sounds dirty.

Rich: It look it looks like urine in a bottle. Don't give me too much of this shit. Yeah we don't want to ruin this show in the first minute a half.

Brian: Yes, I don't think you want to do a whole shot. You literally, like have to take a whiff and take it in.

Rich: I'm not gonna lie. It smells like Drakar Noir. Look,this is bullshit you gave him a bottle of Drakar Noir in some sample fake Besk liquor thing.

Brian: Like this is like a very like homemade logo.

Rich: Oh yeah this is such a scam. It's written on it with Sharpie. What is this called, Malort? 

Brian: Okay so there's a whole story behind it.

Rich: Do tell.

Brian: So this guy R. Franklin he created it. I guess Malort is like a kind
of liqueur it's's Swedish, right? 

Rich: So wormwood is exactly what though? Because I have heard of wormwood

Brian: It's usually what they have in Absinthe which makes you trip balls.

Rich: Oh nice. And it's legal now in the America's.

Brian: Yeah in the America's

Mario: And this was legal back during Prohibition and they were selling it door-to-door medicinally so people would buy it and drink it during Prohibition and yeah so after you try it, imagine yourself getting hammered on this.

Brian: So here we go Jepson's Malort is a liquor, is a brand of Besk produced by the Carl Jepson company in Chicago. Jepson's Malort is named after Carl Jepson the Swedish immigrant who first popularized and sold the liqueur in Chicago.

Rich: Who is Besk?

Brian: Ah, we'll get to that though.

Rich: But wait there's more!

Brian: Yeah we should find the Besk story. So basically, it's like a Swedish kind of liqueur.

Rich: Yeah, like meatballs. and

Mario: I read a story where the Jepson's people copyrighted the name Malort

Brian: That's what is was.

Mario: Then they had to stop using the name Malort  and started calling it Besk.

Brian: Yeah it's kind of the same thing shortly yeah so they make this terrible liqueur and for some reason they drank it in Chicago. And the reason why you can't get it anywhere else, just in Chicago because it's...

Mario: So the Chicago handshake is beer with one of those shots. I don't know why they call it the Chicago handshake.

Rich: Any specific kind of beer?

Mario: Usually a local Chicago beer which they're not very good.

Brian: Okay so you know what we should do? We should make sure we have something ready to chase with.

Rich: Oh really? Okay.

Brian: Because it is pretty terrible.

Mario: Yeah that's what I was actually sipping it in the bar and the guy is like just down and then just chug a beer to kill the taste. 

Rich: Well here's my thought is that I don't want to ruin any of the beers that we brought, so is there water somewhere

Mario: Brian do you have like a Piels around there somewhere? 

Brian: I've got water right here. It's the prepper basement.

Rich: Whatever the hell is going to work. Maybe...milk?

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Mario: I want to share with you some of the slogans for Mallort. So they had a contest and people wrote in and they picked the top eight of them.

  • Malort, kick your mouth in the balls!
  • Malort, when you need to unfriend someone IN PERSON.
  • Malort, tonight’s the night you fight your dad.
  • Malort, the Champagne of pain.

Rich: The champagne of pain, I like it.


  • Malort, turning taste-buds into taste-foes for generations.
  • Drink Malort, it’s easier than telling people you have nothing to live for.
  • Malort, what soap washes its mouth out with.
  • Malort, these pants aren’t going to shit themselves.


Rich: Alright well these pants aren't gonna shit themselves. Down the hatch.

Brian: Skol

Rich: It's all downhill from here.

Brian: It sure is.

Rich: Oh Christ, Drakar.

Brian: It starts off okay but wait for it.

Rich: I've got a new one. Malort, when you like it you're a true alcoholic. 

Brian: This is delicious.

Rich: I didn't think it was that bad.

Brian: It's really...did you get the hint of burning tire at the end.

Rich: Oh is that what I feel my stomach right now?

Brian: Yes, the burning tire sensation.

Rich: Yeah, eat my rubber.

Mario: Maybe it's worth it.

Brian: It just keeps burning at the end.

Rich: It is still burning.

Brian: That's the problem.

Rich: It's like a habanero.

Brian: The initial taste is kind of like okay it's like some sort of weird Dollar General mouthwash.

Rich: Honestly like I think the Italians have been making this for years.

Brian: This is like starter grappa.

Mario: I like grappa. Grappa is fine.

Rich: Yeah well the New Age Grappa's are significantly better but like the old grappa, that's like fire water. Brutal.

Brian: Like uncle Luigi's first batch.

Rich: Yeah, yeah that he made in the basement.

Brian: Only one person went blind when they drank it.

Rich: God, wow, what a delightful drink. Well thank you Mario for sharing

Mario: Enjoy.

Rich: We will!

Brian: It's almost like you're eating a basket of orange peels. That finish. Like just that acidy. 

Mario: A burning tire. 

Brian: Yeah, a tire made of orange peels.

Rich: I think that I popped a rib.

Brian: It melted right through it perhaps? So for some reason people make this and they sell it and we're buying it.

Rich: I think they buy it through the phrase, really.

Brian: The story, really.

Rich: Well everything needs a good story as they say. That's what it's all about.

Brian: Sell the sizzle not the steak. That's the sensation, the sizzling sensation

Mario: It's all sizzle.

Brian: It's still burning. 


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